Yes, as of today, February 27th, 2020, I am 16 years of age. How do I feel? More of the same. I don't really feel that different. But you know what IS different? The rock charts.
Rock has always had a special place in my heart. I had a bunch of my dad's favorite songs on my old iPad, all of them being some form of rock. Enter Sandman, Bulls on Parade, Smells Like Teen Spirit, Back in Black, Sweet Child O' Mine. Granted, I'm a lot more favorable towards punk rock nowadays, but rock nonetheless is my go-to genre. Unfortunately, current rock is in a bit of a hole, but there still are gems. You may be wondering why I'm talking about the Hot Rock Songs chart and not the Mainstream Rock charts. Well, I forgot it existed. Whoops.
But after looking after this week's Top 20, we've stumbled into a bit of a snafu. Every single song on Tame Impala's new album, The Slow Rush, are in the Top 20. That's 12 songs.
So, here's what's going to happen. I'm not going to talk about any Tame Impala song OTHER THAN Lost in Yesterday, since that was already in the Top 20 before this week. That means this Top 20 is really a Top 31. Also, if you think that Hey Look Ma, I Made It is at the bottom, it's not. No, for some reason, my birthweek with a massive Tame Impala album bomb that covers over half of the Top 20 just so happens to have not one, but TWO of my least favorite bands currently working are in the actual Top 20 and one has a third song in the Top 30. Lovely. So, let's kick this off with...
The Shit Tier (0/5)
#20: Popular Monster by Falling in Reverse [Peak: 7, Current: 14]
I despise Falling in Reverse. They are the pinnacle of everything phony, toxic and all around disgusting about the emo scene without any of its charm. The instrumentation is awful, trying to be some kind of metal/trap fusion that ends up sounding clunky, forced and trend-chasing, but what brings them down to this level is their rat-faced fucker of a frontman Ronnie Radke. His attitude is always of smug arrogance, as if he feels like he's superior to everyone, which absolutely doesn't work with Popular Monster. This song is about the typical emo schtick, "I'm depressed," "No one understands me," "I'm about to explode," yadda yadda yadda who fucking cares. That's fine. Plenty of bands have done this concept well, the problem is...
"Is this post-traumatic stressin' or am I suppressing rage?"
Ughhhhhh.
"We're sick and tired of wondering
Praying to a God that you don't believe"
Kill me.
"We're searching for the truth in the lost and found
So the question I ask is, where the fuck is your god now?"
Oh, fuck off, you neckbeard fringe-cel. The fact that Radke claims this song is about a """hero""" who's been falsely accused by his city is just the cum-encrusted cherry on this shit sundae. This isn't a misunderstood hero story, this is an 8th grader's first entry into his journal he bought for $5 at Hot Topic with his allowance money. If you want some GOOD emo, listen to the new Spanish Love Songs album. Fuck this band and fuck this song.
#19: Bang! by AJR [Peak: 6, Current: 6]
What. The. Fuck. Is. This. I have no words to describe just how BAD this sounds. It's...as if someone tried to play circus music on a 1997 MP3 that's been shat on, pissed on, chewed up by an entire dog pound and was nuked and yet SOMEHOW still functions, well, "functions," and then added a goddamn trap snare and a group of random assholes from off the street to just yell "bang bang bang" every five fucking seconds! I just...what the fuck is this? This is some of the worst production I've heard all year! Why does it sound like this?
"'Cause it's on a budget"
I wouldn't doubt it. Also, the lyrics are fucking stupid.
"Feel like I'm gonna puke 'cause my taxes are due
Does my password begin with a one or a two?"
Those two things have nothing to do with each other.
"Put quinoa in my fridge, still I'm not feelin' grown"
Who in the fuck thinks to themself "Man, I made it so far in life. I've put quinoa in a fridge all by myself!" Motherfucker, are you twelve. This song is not a bang, it's a squirming little shart.
#18: Hey Look Ma, I Made It by Panic! at the Disco (Peak: 1, Current: 4)
I mean, it's still shit. I'm not going to talk about this song other than that for now because I have future plans for it. Just know that I hate it.
#17: The Drug in Me is Reimagined by Falling in Reverse [Peak: 29, Current: 29]
This...almost works. It's a break up piano ballad, but it doesn't sound bad. In fact, with the strings, it actually sounds kind of good. Along with that, the first half isn't terribly written. It's very melodramatic, but it has a personality other than being a piece of shit, so that's an improvement. Then the second verse comes in.
"If we are born to die and we all die to live
Then what's the point of living life it just contradicts?"
Thank you for your deep wisdom, Sigmund Freud. Not only that, but Radke's voice get incredibly grating as the song goes on, and then comes the end where the rest of the band start playing and AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-what I meant to say is that it's not a pleasant transition. This was so close to being at least passable, but then Radke had to fuck it up. Ugh.
#16: Inside Out by Five Finger Death Punch [Peak: 10, Current: 26]
Before I tear into this, I want to congratulate Ivan Moody for the fantastic turn around he's done on his life. Well done sir, keep up the good work, I'm rooting for you. With that out of the way...
Five Finger Death Punch are one of the most disappointing acts of the 21st century. The amount of potential these guys had at the beginning could fill the entire state of Vermont, and yet they've never even ONCE lived up to it. Instead, all they've done is the same 3-chord sludge-fests to appease to the Mountain Dew bro douches to get a few easy cum-soaked bucks. Inside Out is no different. It's another song about how he's the motherfucking baddest motherfucker in all the motherfucking land of motherfuckerville blah blah blah who cares. At the very least, there aren't any especially bad lyrics as there were for previous songs of theirs like Sham Pain and Jekyll + Hyde. Unless you're a mega fan, skip this.
#15: High Hopes by Panic! at the Disco (Peak: 1, Current: 1)
This has been at #1 on the rock charts for 58 weeks. With exception for the 11 weeks HLM,IMI was at #1, this was at #1 the entire year of 2019, along with a little bit of 2018. Why? Why, of all goddamn songs, did we latch onto THIS? It's an overproduced piece of chicken shit that never shuts the fuck up with some of the most E A R G R A T I N G horns I've heard in a long time! Please, for the love of God, have some other song at #1.
The Bad Tier (1/5)
#14: History of Violence by Theory of a Deadman [Peak: 15, Current: 31]
Ha, no. If you honestly expect me to care about Theory of a Deadman in 20-Goddamn-20, think again. I've stopped caring about them since Wake Up Call, and this is pretty much an extension of that album. It's Theory of a Deadman, you know it sucks. I don't need to say anything because it's common fucking knowledge.
#13: Novocaine by The Unlikely Candidates [Peak: 10, Current: 20]
This is the indie rock version of Hey, Soul Sister. I'm not even kidding. It's the same vocal pattern, an obnoxiously punchable frontman, acknowledgement the left-side brain, the most bare-bone basic ass instrumentation for its genre, an eerily catchy chorus that never leaves your fucking head, all we need is a shitty blowjob reference and calling himself a gangsta and we're all set.
#12: Oh Yeah! by Green Day [Peak: 3, Current: 19]
This hurts. This hurts soooo much. Anyone who knows me in real life knows that I ADORE Green Day. I've always been a fan of theirs. So, the first time I get to talk about them being in the bad tier for their worst album to date (even though it's not that bad) is p a i n f u l. Thankfully, this is one of the two actually bad songs on that album, the other being I Was a Teenage Teenager. Even with that, I don't know I've ever heard a song that's so...dead inside. Billie Joe sounds like he took half a xan, 13 hours till he lands, had him out like a light, like a light, like a light, like a li-I'm sorry, Tre is doing the bare minimum with his drum work, and Mike...is Mike even on this song? Did he just not show up for the recording and the record label said "fuck it, we'll do it without him?" I just...why?
#11: Orphans by Coldplay [Peak: 3, Current: 21]
I'm putting this in the bad tier because every store, restaurant and public place I enter has been full-on assaulting me with this goddamn song. Other than that, it's a boring Coldplay song that is somehow the whitest thing they've ever made, and keep in mind this is the same band that made Fix You.
The Meh Tier (2/5)
#10: Outnumbered by Dermot Kennedy [Peak: 8, Current: 24]
Why do I feel like I'm being WAY too kind to this song? I mean, it's not rock, but for an alternative song, it works well enough. It's cute, I guess, the production is okay, and the lyrics are believable, so why do I feel like something about this song is offput-OH SWEET EVERLOVING CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIS VOICE? JESUS IN HEAVEN, IT'S LIKE IF JAMES ARTHUR, DANNY O'DONOGHUE AND LEWIS CAPALDI WERE PUT IN A BLENDER AND FORCED DOWN CHAD KROEGER'S THROAT AT GUNPOINT HO-LY SHIT!
Ah, I think I found it.
The Decent Tier (3/5)
#9: Running Up That Hill by Meg Myers [Peak: 4, Current: 18]
So apparently, this is a cover of a 1985 Top 30 hit of the same name by Kate Bush. So, I guess I better give my opinion of the original then.
Kate Bush Version:
It's okay.
With that out of the way, how did Meg Myers stack up? Well, it's the same song. Like, the EXACT same song. If you told me this was a remastered version of the original, I'd believe it. Meg Myers' voice is more forceful than Bush's, but other than that, I see little to no difference between the two.
#8: The Best by AWOLNATION [Peak: 17, Current: 27]
Now here's a name I haven't heard in a hot minute, AWOLNATION. For those not in the know, this is the band who made Sail. Yes, THAT Sail. A bunch of who have also heard their song Run, if not by name then you've DEFINITELY heard through something like Vine, TikTok and other things that makes me want to play Russian Roulette with a full load. Even with that said, they are a good band, I'd personally recommend Kill Your Heroes as one to check out, but how does the new lead single stack up? Honestly, I'm underwhelmed. It's not all that catchy and mostly boring. However, I still do like the song. It's got a decent vocal performance and some neat guitar work, but other than that? I'm just hoping this isn't a sign about the new album.
The Good Tier (4/5)
#7: Lost in Yesterday by Tame Impala [Peak: 5, Current: 5]
I always forget that Tame Impala is just one person, because at times it can feel like an entire orchestra of creativity. I will admit, I do like Borderline better than Lost in Yesterday, but this is still a good song. It's still Tame Impala which means it's weird, wacky, electronic focused, and all around an intriguing listen the whole way through.
#6: At the Door by The Strokes [Peak: 25, Current: 25]
Why do the opening notes remind me of DJ Got Us Fallin' in Love?
I haven't listened to a lot of The Strokes, but of what little amount I have listened to, this sounds nothing like it. This feels like prog music without the heavy instrumentation, if that makes sense. At the Door is a very melancholic listen. Don't come into this expecting another Reptilia like I did. You know what? Scratch the prog comparison, this is a David Bowie song. And not, like, Ziggy Stardust Bowie, no no no no. I'm talking about Blackstar Bowie. Heavy, depressing, yet still cathartic in its execution. I'm intrigued as to if the rest of the album, hell, the rest of their discography is like this.
The Great Tier (5/5)
#5: Used to Like by Neon Trees [Peak: 30, Current: 30]
I may or may not be biased in my opinion here, but I can't help it. I already talked about how much I adore Neon Trees on my Best of 2010 list, so it should be no surprise that I love this, right? Well, in all honesty, it took me a while for this song to grow on me. This is MUCH more electronic than their previous work, but I don't see that as a bad thing...anymore. I originally thought that they washed down their sound, and while a bit of that may be true, I could see this as a lesser cut off of Picture Show or Pop Psychology. So yeah, I dig this.
#4: Life in the City by The Lumineers [Peak: 14, Current: 23]
I've always been a fan of The Lumineers. Most people only know of them from Ho Hey, but that's one of their lesser songs. If you've got the time, do a deep dive into their discography, you won't be disappointed. Life in the City is another really solid song from them. The production is beautiful with a simple piano riff with the guitars and drums to give texture. Along with that, I've always dug Wesley Schultz's voice. It has a sort of roughness that adds flavor to whatever he sings, usually for better than worse. So, yeah. This song is great.
#3: Might Be Right by White Reaper [Peak: 6, Current: 16]
Okay, you see this song, mainstream Top 40 radio? THIS is the kind of radio rock you guys should be playing. The best way to describe Might Be Right is if Gregg Alexander of New Radicals tried to cover a Red Hot Chili Peppers deep cut, which is to say it's the catchiest song I've heard all year. This song has hooks for DAYS. From that organ intro at the beginning, to the bouncy as fuck bass groove, Tony Esposito's unpolished yet joyful vocals (hence the Gregg Alexander comparison), to the surf rock inspired guitar solo, to the fantastic chorus, this song has something for everyone. Now let's make it an actual hit, please.
#2: Dance of the Clairvoyants by Pearl Jam [Peak: 3, Current: 22]
When I showed this song to my mom, she said it reminded her of Duran Duran. I don't know what's worse, the fact that THAT'S the first thing she thought of, or the fact that I...kind of see where she's coming from. If you haven't heard any Pearl Jam in a while or your new to them, by God do not start with this song. It is VERY different from the rest of their discography. My advice is to pick up Ten and then come back to this song. Even with that, this song is fantastic. It's cold, spacey and downright threatening at times. I hope the album is like this.
#1: Under the Graveyard by Ozzy Osbourne [Peak: 4, Current: 28]
Ozzy Osbourne is one of my favorite artists of all time. I remember jamming the everloving FUCK out of Crazy Train on my old iPad before school would start and just being mesmerized by the complex guitar work, which in turn inspired me to start playing the guitar, which I have been doing for the past 7 years. So, the lead single to what's most likely going to be his last album? Hell yeah, I'm going to put it at the top. Radke, take notes, because THIS is how you write existential depression and apathy.
"Today I woke up and I hate myself
Death doesn't answer when I cry for help
No high could save me from the depths of Hell
I'll drown my mind until I'm someone else"
Is this simplistic? Yes. Is it effective. Absolutely. It's broad enough for the audience to fill themselves in, but detailed in his emotions to make his suffering believable. Topping it off with the heavy, depressing, and downright awe inspiring instrumentals and a demented guitar solo that sounds like it could be ripped straight from Black Sabbath, and you have, in my opinion, the best song in the Rock Top
The score for this week is a 45/100. Kind of wish it was better, but it is what it is. Besides, I has a lot of fun talking about this chart. Even if most of it isn't rock, they're all interesting songs to talk about. It sure beats the hell out of whatever's in the actual Top 20 right now. Say, what IS in the Top 20 this week anyway?
ARE YOU HONEST TO GOD FUCKING KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW WHO IN THEIR SHITTING MIND IS LISTENING HOLY FFFFFFFFFU-
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