The Shit Tier (0/5)
#20: Bang! by AJR (Peak: 11, Current: 11)
I fucking warned y'all about this piece of shit close to a year in advance, and what do I get for my efforts? For it to become a Top 20 hit. God. Fucking. Damnit.
Okay, quick drive-by thrashing because this will most likely make the year end and my worst list, so here we go:
AJR fucking suck. They're frequently baffling and abhorrent production mixed with glue-eatingly stupid lyrics about "the struggles of growing up" that so thoroughly and frequently miss the mark that you'd think they were written by 80-year-old corporate hacks who have never had a single conversation with a millenial and still think they're all freshman in college. It feels like pandering to those with no problems constantly wanting to feel oppressed, which is one of the last things I want to hear during a global pandemic, where everyone has at least one real problem in their life, if not multiple. They want you to wallow with them in their own undeserved self-pity.
Also this sounds like if the generic clown music you would hear at your local circus got a trap remix.
The Bad Tier (1/5)
#19: Holy by Justin Bieber ft. Chance the Rapper (Peak: 3, Current: 4)
Okay, NOW it's time for the religion talk.
I have...complicated thoughts on religion. Now, I'm going to say upfront that I don't really consider myself to be a religious person. I wouldn't say atheist exactly, but more in the vein of "not really caring enough to think about it." I do think that a lot of organized religion, especially in Christianity and ESPECIALLY Christianity in America, is often used as an excuse or justification for racist, homophobic, xenophobic, and all around dickish behavior "in the name of the Lord," which is something I am VERY much against. I could far more in depth about this topic, which in itself I could probably write an entire essay about, but for now I'd much rather talk about this song, which thankfully ignores a lot of that stuff and resides more in the "milquetoast and lame as balls" category of Christian music.
To give a brief summary on my thoughts on this song because this segment has already gone long enough, imagine a man being so terrified of their younger, incredibly reckless past that they try to completely revert that when he becomes an adult, only for it to backfire hard and justs has me continually thinking about 2013 Bieber where he egged people's house, spat on fans, and was charged with illegal street racing with an invalid license. Also Chance is here.
"Life is short with a temper like Joe Pesci"
Cool story, bro.
#18: I Hope by Gabby Barrett (Peak: 3, Current: 8)
Honestly, at this point, I don't even care about the politics. I just want this song to go away.
The Meh Tier (2/5)
#17: For the Night by Pop Smoke ft. Lil Baby & DaBaby (Peak: 6, Current: 13)
This...does absolutely nothing for me. I don't feel the vibe, taking a random Pop Smoke verse and making it the chorus feels distracting and out of place, DaBaby rides the beat like my wobbly ass would ride a tightrope, Lil Baby kinda works, but it's really not enough to make me care. Sorry.
Oh is that really it? That's all the songs I have a negative or even neutral opinion on? Nice.
The Decent Tier (3/5)
#16: Better Together by Luke Combs (Peak: 24, Current: 24)
There are four songs in the decent tier that I could all start their segment with "Man, I wish I liked this more." So, to start that trend, let's talk about the only country song in the Top 20 even though it's technically not in the Top 20 this week but you get what I mean.
I like Luke Combs. He seems like a cool guy. He's got a great voice and a knack for sharp writing. I'll probably be talking about this more on that best list (hint hint), but with this new one...I'm just left feeling, well, lukewarm. Stupid pun aside, it is what I feel most accurately describes this song. Like, yeah, it's clearly made for weddings and whatnot, and in that scenario I do see it working a lot better, but that's also kind of the problem. It's JUST a wedding song. It's meant for those moments where your emotions are at their peak where you start the journey with the person you want to spend the rest of your time with, but outside of that context, it doesn't really have a point becoming an actual hit. Maybe I'm just being overly mean, but I don't know man. This doesn't feel like it should be here.
#15: Kings & Queens by Ava Max (Peak: 13, Current: 16)
And straight to the second of the four.
This is a strange one for me to attempt to put my thoughts down on paper. So, lemme try something. Instead of trying to put my thoughts in a coherent narrative, I'm going to try to just throw every though I have at the wall as it comes to my head while writing this without any rewriting or rewording. Alright? Let's start.
I mean, I guess I shouldn't be THAT surprised that this wound up being a hit. Catchy chorus, already a somewhat established artist, positive message towards women, all that stuff. But then again, I just get a feeling in my gut that goes "This shouldn't be big" whenever I hear it, and for the life of me I cannot figure out as to why that is. I mean, for one, it's clunky as hell. It's clunky sonically because it feels like it's trying to be both loud and authoritative with the synths and the big, anthemic chorus about how women are better and all that, but then the percussion is pushed super front in the mix to where it feels like they're trying to compress everything else, and that feels especially noticeable with the guitar solos, since for whatever reason the percussion is still in front of the mix OVER the solo. It's also clunky lyrically because for all of it's "girl power" energy, it tends to convey it with these overly complicated metaphors like explaining the rules of chess, the "off with their heads" line from Alice in Wonderland which I'm pretty sure is not a good thing when you're comparing yourself to a blatantly evil ruler who takes advantage of the power they wield, and most bizarrely the "sword" line that feels way too wordy and over-explained even for the song. I feel like they weren't really sure how they wanted the message to be portrayed as, so they made it portrayable from multiple angles, but in the end just made a big pile of confusion. Does any of that make sense?
Oh wow that was a lot of words.
#14: Go Crazy by Chris Brown & Young Thug (Peak: 6, Current: 6)
Sigh alright fine, let's fucking talk about Chris Brown.
Look, most if not all of us know that Chris Brown is a horrible human being and has consistently been a horrible human being for the past twelve years. This is not a new discussion. So, while in theory, nothing would make me happier to shit on him right now, if I have to be completely honest with myself, which I always strive to do with my musical opinions, I kind of like this song. Brown found a good melody, found some good production to match it, and let that be the focus of the song while he and Young Thug coasted off of it, and it worked. I hate that it worked, and every fiber of my moral compass is telling me to throw this song in the trash purely off of him, but I can't. Congratulations, Chris Brown, you made a song I enjoy. Now please kindly fuck off for the rest of eternity you worthless excuse of a person.
#13: What You Know Bout Love by Pop Smoke (Peak: 22, Current: 22)
I like this song. It's cute. Out of all of Pop Smoke's posthumous straight-up crooning tracks, I'd say this one works the best. It's like a cute little puppy licking your face. Cute, sweet, and a little bit sloppy.
#12: therefore i am by Billie Eilish (Peak: 2, Current: 18)
Number three let's go.
Oh, what I would've given for my future to become the big hit instead of this. I mean, it's still Billie Eilish, which means that there's still a baseline of quality, but that's kind of all it has? If someone asked me "What does a typical Billie Eilish song sound like?" I'd probably point them to this and say "Umm, usually like this, but a lot better." It just doesn't have enough meat on it's bones for me to stay interested, and that sucks.
#11: Laugh Now Cry Later by Drake ft. Lil Durk (Peak: 2, Current: 7)
I only put this in the meh tier last time on that Twitter screenshot because I wanted to make that dumbass "Why is Drake" joke work.
Umm...it's pretty alright. The beat's pretty neat, Lil Durk was a nice touch, and...um...that's kind of all I have to say about it? Do you like Drake? Then you'll like this. Ehh?
#10: Dynamite by BTS (Peak: 1, Current: 5)
This is a very "Late 90's/Early 2000's Max Martin" type of song in the sense that it's less about any kind of meaning or lyric cohesion and more focused on cramming as many hooks in as possible. It's made to be radio filler, and for that, I do enjoy it. And thank God I do, because I was not looking forward to being doxxed by stans for not liking a song. I'm just glad it was this and not the complete disaster that was ON I mean, uh, I didn't say anything, what are you talking about?
#9: Lemonade by Internet Money ft. Don Toliver, Gunna & Nav (Peak: 6, Current: 14)
You know sometimes I come across songs I'm suppose to be talking about and all I can think is "How do I talk?" This is one of those cases.
Also Nav's autotune sounds like it's malfunctioning, which is actually a positive because that means I'm actually able to pay attention to Nav for once.
#8: Body by Megan Thee Stallion (Peak: 12, Current: 21)
And here's the last one, and the one I'm most likely going to get in trouble for.
Let me just state upfront that the majority of this song is great. The beat is forceful and abrasive with enough sexually playful attitude to fit the mood of the song and Megan's flow and lyrics on the verses are top fucking notch for her. So, with all of that head, why is it only at #8? Well, you see, you might have noticed that I didn't mention a part of the song. The chorus. Why is that? Well...
"Body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody
Ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody (mwah)
Body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody (ah, ah, ah ah)
Ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody
Body crazy, curvy, wavy, big titties, lil' waist (yeah, yeah, yeah)
Body crazy, curvy, wavy, big titties, lil' waist (mwah)
Body-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody
Ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody-ody"
Why. In the fuck. Would you make that. Your hook? Holy shit, I'm not usually one to complain about repetition, but it has to to take a miracle for me to enjoy a chorus that's just a constant repeat of one word. It is a baffling decision and it does not work in the slightest, which is a damn shame because, like I said, the rest of the song is really really good! It's just that...y'know...body-ody-ody-ody-ody.
The Good Tier (4/5)
#7: positions by Ariana Grande (Peak: 1, Current: 2)
Do I like this song? Yeah, I think so. Maybe.
Out of all the song's here, this is the song that I'm least sure of my stance on. Most of the time when I hear it, I enjoy it a good bit. But every now and then, I hear it and I think to myself "...This is a complete mess." Still, there's more than enough times where I've had the former experience with this song for me to put this here, but...maybe don't expect it to stay here? Maybe?
#6: Mood by 24kGoldn ft. iann dior (Peak: 1, Current: 1)
This is a fun song! I like it a lot!
Honestly, I'm not sure what else there is for me to say about this. 24kGoldn has a boatload of that early Gen-Z charisma to his voice, the production suites him well with a bouncy energy throughout, the lyrics don't really matter that much but they're alright, and iann dior...exists. This song is, in fact, a nice mood.
#5: DÁKITI by Bad Bunny & Jhay Cortez (Peak: 5, Current: 20)
So, as many of you can guess, I do not speak Spanish. Not even a little bit. I do not have a singular Hispanic bone in my body. Unfortunately, this does mean that a lot of Spanish, hell, most non-English music to get, for lack of a better phrase, "lost in the shuffle" when it comes to connecting with it. And yet, for whatever reason, I got this song right away. I didn't even need my friend who's an immigrant from Ecuador and speaks Spanish fluently to translate the lyrics for me (even though I had him do it anyway lol) to know that this song was something different for me. Something about it is just so...melancholically calming to my mind that it feels like I'm in a trance whenever I listen to it. It keeps growing on me with every listen, and I don't see that stopping. I know foreign music can be a tough sell to people who don't speak the language, but I implore you to listen to this whether you speak Spanish or not.
#4: Levitating by Dua Lipa ft. DaBaby (Peak: 10, Current: 10)
This did not need DaBaby on it. Like, not even a little bit. I mean other than that the original is pop perfection and I love every second of it but NEVERTHELESS he is still unnecessary and does unfortunately bring the song down a little.
The Great Tier (5/5)
#3: 34+35 by Ariana Grande (Peak: 8, Current: 19)
Okay, before there is ANY fucking comment about "har har teenage boy haz da horn knee for da wo-man," Please let me explain myself.
First off: You're not entirely off base? I mean, I'm a straight guy, and this is a song about how a woman goes into detail that she wants to fuck me. So obviously that means there's gonna be SOME bias here. But even without that, I just think the song is really well made. The beat is sensual and fun, Grande sells her delivery, and the lyrics toe the line between flirtatious and hilarious. So yeah, hormones aside, I genuinely believe this is a great song. I'm still gonna hear those fucking "go to horny jail" jokes for this aren't I?
#2: willow by Taylor Swift (Peak: 1, Current: 23)
Ohhhhhhh my God I am such a basic bitch.
I still hold my opinion that both folklore and evermore are just a little bit on the overhyped side when considered as whole projects, but I'll be damned if there aren't song on both albums that have me sometimes rethink that position. Songs like exile, the last great american dynasty, no body no crime, betty, champagne problems, and even willow are songs that I'd consider some of the best that Taylor has ever made. willow is just so comforting and spacious in its energy that it feels like I'm in a entire different world full of medieval creatures and shit that, much like DÁKITI, I feel like I'm a trance while listening to it. I mean, it's still not better than Blinding Lights, but y'know.
#1: Blinding Lights by The Weeknd (Peak: 1, Current: 3)
To be fair, you have to have a very high IQ to understand Blinding Lights. The brilliance is extremely subtle, and without a solid grasp of theoretical physics most of the quality will go over a typical listener's head. There's also The Weeknd's nihilistic outlook, which is deftly woven into the song's characterisation - his personal philosophy draws heavily from Narodnaya Volya literature, for instance. The fans understand this stuff; they have the intellectual capacity to truly appreciate the depths of the writing, to realize that it's not just a good song- it says something deep about LIFE. As a consequence, people who dislike Blinding Lights truly ARE idiots- of course they wouldn't appreciate, for instance, the genius in The Weeknd's existencial catchphrase "Ooooooooooo I'm blinded by the lights," which itself is a cryptic reference to Turgenev's Russian epic Fathers and Sons. I'm smirking right now just imagining one of those addlepated simpletons scratching their heads in confusion as Abel Tesfaye's genius unfolds itself on their listening devices. What fools... how I pity them. 😂 And yes by the way, I DO have a Blinding Lights tattoo. And no, you cannot see it. It's for the ladies' eyes only- And even they have to demonstrate that they're within 5 IQ points of my own (preferably lower) beforehand.
This week got a total score of 62/100, which is super fucking good. I'd say more but I gotta get working on my worst and best list along with a little extra thing that I've been working on for a bit. See Y'all soon.
SONG I WANT TO BE HITS:
Ain't Always the Cowboy by Jon Pardi (Peak: 55, Current: 83)
Hi it's me again just here to remind you that Jon Pardi is really good and Dirt on My Boots should've made the 2017 Year-End over do re mi okay bye.
Golden by Harry Styles (Peak: 74, Current: 75)
The more I hear Harry Styles' work, the more I want to hear from him. That can only be a good thing.
Monsters by All Time Low ft. blackbear (Peak: 88, Current: 88)
I'm going to be talking more this song soon, but for now I just wanna say that I'm over the fucking moon about rock slowly coming back into the mainstream.
Prisoner by Miley Cyrus ft. Dua Lipa (Peak: 54, Current: 67)
The career arc of Miley Cyrus is a fascinating journey and I'm glad that it seems to be heading towards the positive.
Save Your Tears by The Weeknd (Peak: 41, Current: 95)
I'm not in love with song yet, but I'm putting it here because I really wanna see another single from After Hours get traction.
SONGS I REALLY REALLY DON'T:
Beers and Sunshine by Darius Rucker (Peak: 76, Current: 76)
Bad country.
GOOD TIME by Niko Moon (Peak: 61, Current: 61)
Really bad country.
Just the Way by Parmalee & Blanco Brown (Peak: 97, Current: 97)
Really really bad country ft. The Git Up guy.
Put Your Records On by Ritt Momney (Peak: 79, Current: 84)
I get the feeling that "cover a somewhat old semi-classic to make into a Tik Tok" is going to become a trend and this song will most likely be the patient zero for said trend.
Why.
WITHOUT YOU by The Kid LAROI (Peak: 63, Current: 65)
The Kid LAROI backlash fascinates me in a way that I don't have time to cover here, so like with Monsters, you'll hear me talk about him fairly soon.
I mean you won't hear about this song from me because no.
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